Remember - 10 Years

My Heart

Anyone who knows even a little bit about me knows I grew up in Chile. Most of those people know, that the reason for that was that my parents were missionaries there for 13 wonderful years. People who know me even better know how much I loved my life and that I truly believe that my parents calling extended to our family as a whole. As a missionaries kid (M.K.) I saw many people come through on short term mission trips. This was great, but a disturbing trend became evident to me at a very early age. In the church, there can be a religious culture that does not truly reflect the source from which it came. At a very young age I became disillusioned and frankly discussed with people 'witnessing' to non believers in very impersonal and ineffective ways. As a result of this I have developed a deep desire to always be very authentic and purposeful when sharing my faith. I believe I must earn the right to tell someone my story. I mean, why should they care what happened to me if they don't know me, and why should my story affect their life if I don't really know them. 

Please do not misunderstand me. I LOVE to tell the story of what God has done in my life! But HIS story is meaningful, and I don't want to lose people's interest by speaking out of turn. 

That being said, I want to tell the story of God thus far in the journey of one Emily Panter. Read at your pleasure ;).

I feel unbelievably blessed to have been born into a home where both of my parents were genuinely sold out for their creator, God. My father was a pastor and Mom stayed home with me and my two older brothers. By the time I turned 4 my mom had had two more sons; one who would be born with and eventually die of cancer at the very young age of 13 months. When I was five we they answered a heart stirring To go into full time missions, and we set off for Costa Rica for one year of language school on our way to Chile. We arrived on Chilean soil on August 16th, 1985, my parents 16th wedding anniversary. Being so young, I very quickly adapted to and fell in live with my new home. I loved being an M.K. and everything that came with it. I fully believed everything my parents had taught me about the Bible and all that it said about who God was. At the young age of 6, I distinctly remember understanding the concept of a perfect God and sinful man. I knew, that although my parents were missionaries, although I believed God was who He said He was, even though I was young and only guilty of sins such as fighting and lying; I understood that my sin disqualified me from God's presence and therefore heaven. I was haunted by this realization! I remember asking my mother daily if I was going to die while I slept. She would of course tell me that I was not going to die, but she couldn't know what was eating at me so much. I knew if I died, I would forever be separated from my parents and God whom I loved so much. I needed a Savior! She finally asked me why I was so worried, and when I told her, she asked if I'd like to talk to my dad about it. I said "Yes! Right now!" The matter was so pressing to me I would not be put off. My dad was in the bath! A convicted heart cannot stand it! I do not ever remember worrying about dying in my sleep again.

As I grew in my faith I began to learn that what I had done, was surrender my will to God's will. He needed to be my boss. I had good days and bad days but I look back on constant growth in my walk with God.

My 7th grade year, we were living in Punta Arenas (we had been for 4 years.) My parents told me we would be moving to the capital, Santiago, when we returned from our stateside furlough. The last thing I got to do with my classmates was go on a camping trip. During this trip, my best friend surrendered her life to God. When she told me, I was delighted, but also stricken with a deep sense of regret. I realized that my friend had become a Christian despite me and not because of me or my influence in her life. I thought of all my other friends whom I would no longer see. I vowed to never waste my time or friendships any longer. 

My time in Santiago was a HUGE time of growth for me and my walk. I attended a small Christian school and was very involved in leadership. I was also very involved in church. I remember my senior year. I felt strongly that I wanted to go where God wanted me to go. My two older brothers were in west Texas. I felt I needed to see how my faith would fair on its own.  I was accepted to Oklahoma Baptist University, but I felt strongly, once again, that I needed to see what my faith was made off. I wanted to be a light in darkness. I wanted to shine! I chose to go to Texas A&M-Commerce. This was a wonderful time of growth and stretching for me. It is also where I met Luke. We met and married in 15 months. We both felt called to ministry and knew God's plan involved us together. 

God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to add to our family quickly. Our Hannah was born only 18 months into our married adventure began. When Noah joined our circus, only 13 months later, we decided  Luke should get a full time plumbing job and I should stay home. This was a dream of mine, to raise my children, but that doesn't mean I was a natural at it or that it was easy.  After Abigail was born and Luke had started going back to Criswell College in the evenings, God opened an unexpected door for Luke to take a huge pay cut and "full time" pastor position at a small church in Tx. We stepped out on faith and have never looked back! During the seven wonderful years we spent there, God allowed me to stay home, be very active in our church, help start a community bible study group in Greenville, Tx and add two more fun loving girls to our bunch-Lily and Sarah. 

Sarah was born on October 26th, 2008 and two days after she was born, my 29 year old body suffered a ruptured aneurysm of thr right iliac artery. I will not recount that whole story (it is all in this blog side that is why it was created in the first place.) I will only say, that for two months God showed off big time! While all I did was literally lie in a bed and do NOTHING! I have never felt more used by God than at that time! People saw me and gave God all the glory. THAT is what I want my whole life to be about. 

Since that time God sent us to OK for a time and has recently called us to plant a church in Arizona. I want to be completely used up by God for His glory and His kingdom. I want to see lives transformed from the inside out. I want to have no regrets.

Matthew 5:16 Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. 

I choose to lift my eyes up.

A BEAUTIFUL chapter from the Psalms. It is full of beautiful verbs,  beautiful descriptors, beautiful truths, and beautiful promises. It provides hope AND perspective for my life, my family, our calling and even the political climate of our country currently. I pray everyone who takes the time to read and meditate on it will be as blessed as I am by it.

Psalm 33:1-22 Sing for joy in the Lord, O you righteous ones;Praise is becoming to the upright. Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre;Sing praises to Him with a harp of ten strings. Sing to Him a new song;Play skillfully with a shout of joy. For the word of the Lord is upright,And all His work is done in faithfulness. He loves righteousness and justice;The earth is full of the lovingkindness of the Lord. By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,And by the breath of His mouth all their host. He gathers the waters of the sea together as a heap;He lays up the deeps in storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord;Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him. For He spoke, and it was done;He commanded, and it stood fast. The Lord nullifies the counsel of the nations;He frustrates the plans of the peoples. The counsel of the Lord stands forever,The plans of His heart from generation to generation. Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,The people whom He has chosen for His own inheritance. The Lord looks from heaven;He sees all the sons of men; From His dwelling place He looks outOn all the inhabitants of the earth, He who fashions the hearts of them all,He who understands all their works. The king is not saved by a mighty army;A warrior is not delivered by great strength. A horse is a false hope for victory;Nor does it deliver anyone by its great strength. Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,On those who hope for His lovingkindness, To deliver their soul from deathAnd to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord;He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him,Because we trust in His holy name. Let Your lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us,According as we have hoped in You. 

Grace

Genesis 2:9 Out of the ground the Lord God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Genesis 3:6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.

As humans we make really bad choices. Often we think that choice will get us something we want that we don't have. What we seldom realize is that what we do have is often already better, and making that wrong choice can only hurt us and cause ripple effects that hurt others as well. Adam and Eve are an obvious example of this. There are so many others (only every human who has ever lived!) Just to mention a few: Abraham lied and said his wife was only his sister out of fear of death. He allowed her to be taken by a pagan man...twice! God intervened and went on to make Abraham the father of two large nations. Moses, murdered a man, argued with God at his mission, took matters into his own hands in the face of a whinny, obstinate people; yet God used him to deliver a nation from bondage, gave him the Law, allowed him to SEE God's back and live! David committed adultery and then murder, yet God called this king, a man after His heart! Solomon had around 1000 women in his life, yet God allowed him to build His temple. Peter denied Christ, yet God built his Church through this man. Paul very aggressively persecuted Christians, yet God revealed Himself to him and called him to missionary work and authored 13 books in the Bible through him.  

These are just big examples. The Bible, history, and the world are FULL of men and women who chose to dishonor God and sin. However, when God, in His infinite mercy and grace, revealed Himself to them and extended his UNDESERVED forgiveness, these men and women went on to be heroes of the faith and giants in history! 

Psalm 40:2-3 He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;Many will see and fearAnd will trust in the Lord. 

Galatians 2:19-20 For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. 

Ephesians 2:8-10 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. 

Ephesians 5:1-21 Ephesians 2:8-10 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth, For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. For this reason it says,“Awake, sleeper,And arise from the dead,And Christ will shine on you.” Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 

Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. 

As a SINNER, amazingly saved by grave, CALLED to a higher purpose; I pray that I show grace, that I be light. 'God help me REMEMBER who I was without You! Help me see those around me who are still suffering lostness in the miry clay! Use me as an instrument of light to help pull them out into Your glorious light and life!'

Next Chapter

God has begun a new chapter in the life of my family. The story is still the same. We exist to bring Him glory and to make His name known. But God has brought about a lot of change in the everyday make-up of the life of our family.

All my children are now in school, and the wonderful days of pouring myself wholly into my home and my children have drawn to a close. Those precious years have been priceless and well worth the struggles and challenges we faced. I now pray God would honor that time and yield  strong holds for the roots that grew in the lives of my children. I pray they their faith would be sure and steadfast, and that it would be truly THEIRS. I firmly believe God has a special calling on each of my children. I rejoice that four of them have already heard that call to be His. I also believe that, because they are His, He has a purpose for them in the here and now---in their youth. I pray that they would be walking beacons of light in an increasingly dark culture. ~Father, give them strength.~

Because of this first change in our lives, I have felt compelled to go back into the workforce. I LOVED being home and making it a safe haven for family and friends, but as my children go out I must find others to pour into during the day. Most women today work outside the home. I personally believe there is TREMENDOUS value in being at home, but I found myself struggling to connect with working women. My call to them to devote time with God felt pushy. I could see in their eyes the thought: 'sure you have time...you don't work all day.' I pray that I will be a shinning beacon of light to an increasingly dark culture. ~Father, grant me favor. Please open doors of opportunity for me to boldly share You and Your life changing grace.~

In addition to those two rather significant changes in the life of our family, God has also done something else. He began first in the life of Luke to stir in him a desire to be more efficient in reaching the lost. He planted in him the desire to start a new work. We have been blessed in the last ten years of our marriage to pour of ourselves into the life of the already established church. We have been able to grow and work alongside other mature believers. First, Luke's, and eventually my desire has become to be more active in the first stages of the life of the believer. To see the lost come to Him. 

God has done many things over the last six month to bring about this change. Anyone who knows me, knows my love of the rain. The thought of living in the desert would have NEVER occurred to me on my own. Only God could convince me to do that! He has moved our family to Maricopa, Arizona. We are about 15 miles south of the Phoenix valley area. Maricopa has grown incredibly over the last five years and shows no signs of slowing down. For some perspective, there are roughly 2 million  people in the state of Oklahoma (where we just moved from,) and there are roughly 2,000 Baptist churches there. In Phoenix and the surrounding area there are aroung 6.5 million people and only 400,or so, Baptist churches. This means that you cold have up to 16,250 people per church! Of course that is not happening, but the need is great. 

We are so excited to see what God is going to do. 

Will you please pray for our family, and this new adventurous chapter God has begun in us? Please pray for courage, strength and wisdom. Please pray for favor in our encounters with the lost. Pray that we would all be beacons of light, that we would stand in stark contrast to the darkness of our culture and the sin that plagues us as a fallen people.~Father, please go before us.~

Prayer and Scriptures for our new home

I saw this idea a few years back and loved it. So, when we found out we would need to build our home here in Davis, I immediately began my search for Scriptures to write on the foundation.
This first one is in my laundry room. Everyone who knows me, knows I don't enjoy laundry. But I am grateful for my family. I am grateful we are blessed with clothes to wear. And I am grateful we are all healthy enough to dirty up our clothes. God is good.

OCTOBER 28th

For Thou didst form my inward parts;

Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to Thee,

For I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Thy works,

And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from Thee,

When I was made in secret

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth.

Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Thy book they were all written.

The days that were ordained for me

When as yet there was not one of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

October 28th...

March 3rd, 1979 to today = 11,917 days of life.

October 5th, 1985 to today = 9,883 days as a daughter of the King.

January 5th, 2000 to today = 4311 days as a wife.

June 29th, 2001 to today = 3,773 days as a mother.

October 28th, 2008 to today = 1,095 days of extended life.

October 28th, 2011 to tomorrow = ...

[I am] His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that [I] should walk in them. Blessed be the God and Father of [my] Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused [me] to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for [me] who [am] protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. Ep 2:10; 1 Pet 1:3-5

Thank You Father!

Choosing the Meat

I know I do not write on here very much. I always wonder what people are really interested in. My daily routine stays pretty much the same and I don't even really bore Luke with all the details of that! There are the funny stories of my kids, but I worry sometimes that some of these will prove to be embarrassing to them as they get older and are able to freely read what I have shared about them with the whole world! They are entitled to some privacy, right? Then there are my thoughts. I struggle here too, because I have many thoughts. I am not sure when to share. When is God laying something on my heart, that He wants to change in me, am I supposed to share it? Does that take the heat off of me? Does God just want me to make changes and live them or to share them as if they were changes everyone needs to make?
A while back I changed the title of this blog from my name (it was created to keep people updated on my condition when I was in the hospital,) to 'Remember.' I did this because of one of the things God has laid on my heart very heavily for the past three years. I do believe that God puts us through things and allows us to experience circumstances that will either cause us to come to a point of surrender or defiance. In these moments, when we choose to surrender and let Him lead and take control, it always works to bring Him glory and often to change us in a way that makes us more like Him. And these are moments we are meant to remember, and NEVER forget. Not only are we to remember these moments, but we are to remember them correctly so that God is always the one being glorified. When we don't remember these things properly it can lead to pride and a false sense of accomplishment. And that is not a good place to be!!
When I came home from the hospital, fully aware of my second chance at life, I knew I wanted to live life focused on the eternal; on the things that really matter. One of the ways I decided to do this was to revamp my quiet time. I have always been a bit wishy washy in this area. I had never read straight through the Bible and although I had read most of it through out my life, I did not like the idea of just reading through. I enjoyed studying topically on the things that were affecting my life at the time. And for this reason, I was not very consistent. When I came home I was determined to read His whole letter to me, from begining to end. I found a 90 day challange and decided to try it. This was a big deal for me. I am not that fast a reader, and I am seldom left alone without interruption for more than ten minutes at a time. But I was determined. I would read even on the days I didn't 'feel it'.
I LOVED IT!!!! Reading straight through in such a short period of time meant I would still remember the beginnig when I came to the end. I have never had a problem believing in the inspiration and infalibility of the Word. I have never had a problem with so many authors and such a span of time being in one book, but to read it so quickly made it come alive in ways I had never seen before. The continuity throughout the whole book JUMPED of the page!!
I decided that for at least the next few years I would be relying soley on the Bible as the text of my quiet times. I do not have a problem with Christian books others have written. I think they are great, but I had decided that I needed to spend a considerable amount of time in JUST the Word. Eating of the meat He has provided for me. Trusting His Holy Spirit to highlight and teach me. And These three years have been a time of increadible amount of growth for me. I did slow down the tempo a bit. I have read in six month perionds for two years and plan to do it in a whole year next year. Each time It allows me a little more time to regurgitate, meditate, analize and study what I am reading. I LOVE IT!
It will never cease to amaze me that each time I see something new, something I never saw before, something deeper than I thought was there. His word is truly living, active and moving!!
I hope to always remember correctly and to never forget!

A Proud Momma!

I have two overarching dreams for all of my children. First, I desire for each of them to come to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ in their lives. Second, because I believe that God planned our family, and placed each of our children in our family, I believe all of my children have a calling and that they are to be salt and light to those around them. I am beginning to see them do this in our neighborhood and at church. But today was a very proud moment for me.

I went to my oldest three's award ceremony this morning. All of my kids have done very well this year, but this has been Abigail's first year, and she has loved every second of it! She leaves the house smiling, and comes home smiling. All of the kids in her class had received their award, as had she- for beautiful handwriting. So I turned of my camera and sat down. But Ms. Monroe proceeded to say: "I have one more award I'd like to give to a very special student. This young lady is such a joy to have in class. She is always happy and she makes everyone around her happy. She is a friend to all and is a true peacemaker in our class...Abigail Panter."

I was so proud. Of course I believe this about my child, but to know that other's see it and feel impressed to acknowledge it, makes me feel like she is seeing Jesus and is reflecting Him back to others around her. -Thank You Father for my sweet Abigail Joy. Thank You for giving her such a big heart. Protect her and keep, Let her always shine brightly for You. Amen!!!-

'Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven' Matthew 5:16

A Journey

Life is a journey, each step, each day, each event gets me one mile closer to my destination. My 'vehicle' has been surrendered to the 'GPS' which has been set by God on the exact route he wants me to take to get to that destination. I must follow those directions carefully and in order. If I take them out of order it will greatly complicate my trip, while also wasting gas, time and will require correcting my course. I must remember where I have come from, work hard to walk obediently today, anticipating the trip tomorrow, and looking forward to the journey's final destination where 'He who began the good work in me, will be faithful to complete it...' Phil 1:6

I also pray the same for my husband, my children, and those I love.

Blessed Beyond Measure.

I will be a year older next week. This is yet to be a date that I dread. I hope and pray that it will never be one. It has instead become a date were I find myself looking back on the faithfulness of my Father and seeing just how much He can squeeze into my lifetime.

I love my life. Not because it is good (although it is,) but because I can see tangible proof throughout the years of God;s personal involvement in my life. I become increasingly more convinced that no one's life is mere chance, and that everyone had an eternal value and purpose in their existence.

I truly believe God created me, and then simply because of His surpassing grace and loving kindness, He chose me as an instrument for Himself. I may not always know what task He has for me to do each day, but I KNOW He has me here for His own good pleasure. I rejoice in that privilege in a way words can hardly express. I rejoice even more when I think that He has chosen to give me the privilege of walking this journey with Luke, He is a treasure to me and I am constantly amazed by the way I see God's hand on Him. And the joy we both feel and having been blessed with five precious, amazing, incredible, loving, human beings; whom I pray will all willingly become an instrument for God's good, is indescribable.

My children are still young, but I already find myself, at times, mourning their infancy. It was so special to me. I loved getting to hold my sleeping children and dream about the future God had planned for them. I loved hearing them breath and feeling it on my neck where they slept. I loved hearing them hum in contentment as they ate in complete peace and security in my arms. I miss those days already. I do love the deepening of our relationship and the increasingly complex levels of our relationships as they grow and begin to understand different thing. I know I will miss these days too, and am trying SO HARD to commit these days to memory and storing these days up in my heart. But I know, and I look forward to the relationships we will have as young adults and close friends. I pray we will be fellow brothers and sisters in the not too far future.

I am grateful for every breath, for every day, for every smile, hug, laughter I am blessed to be a part of. I am privileged to be useful to the Almighty, Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of my soul. I am truly blessed beyond measure!

Here are two passages that have impressed me lately; both are prayers. The first is a prayer for provision, and contentment, the second is one of praise. You do not have to read on, but I am sure they will bless you as they have me.

Two things I ask of Thee,

Do not refuse me before I die:

Keep deception and lies far from me,

Give me neither poverty nor riches;

Feed me with the food that is my portion,

Lest I be full and deny Thee and say,

"Who is the Lord?"

Or lest I be in want and steal,

And profane the name of my God.

Proverbs 30:7-9

Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name;

Make known His deeds among the peoples.

Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;

Speak of all His wonders.

Glory in His holy name;

Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad.

Seek the Lord and His strength;

Seek His face continually.

Remember His wonderful deeds which He has done,

His marvels and the judgements from His mouth,

O seed of Israel His servant,

Sons of Jacob, His chosen ones!

He is the Lord our God;

His judgements are in all the earth.

Remember His covenant forever,

The word which He commanded to a thousand generations,...

...Sing to the Lord, all the earth;

Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day.

Tell of His glory among the nations,

His wonderful deeds among all the peoples

For great is the Lord,

And greatly to be praised;

He also is to be feared above all gods.

For all the gods of the peoples are idols,

But the Lord made the heavens.

Splendor and majesty are before Him,

Strength and Joy are in His place.

Ascribe to the Lord O families of the peoples,

Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name;

Bring an offering, and come before Him;

Worship the Lord in His holy array.

I Chronicles 16:8-15,23-29

A pause

This picture as taken while I was in the hospital and then blown up poster size to be given to me.

Today I will take a break from my memories to share with you an essay my daughter wrote in for a writing assignment. Hannah is in fourth grade and is none years old. She still brings up this event in our lives every now and then and when asked to write about an eventful memory, this is what she chose to write. (I will write it as is without editing it at all.)



Mom's Accident

Hannah Panter



It's October 28th, tow days after Sarah was born. Usually it is calm, but today, total opposite! Mom was in bed resting, Oma was in the restroom, and my brother, sisters, and I were eating a vomitroshious supper. "Blugh!" Noah said. " "This is naa-stty!" "Yeah." Abigail agreed. "Veggies with jello don't mix." While we were sitting at the table complaining. Oma had just gotten out of the bathroom and was checking on mom. "Oh, my goodness!" She exclaimed. Mom's lips were blue! "Emily!" She raced to the kitchen where we were still complaining, and asked us, "Hannah, tell me you phone number, zip code, and address. Quick!" So while I was filling in the blanks, screams were coming from mom's room! First Oma called dad, then 911. Dad was coming in the door just as the paramedic was lowering mom on a stretcher. We all dug our heads into the cough cushions. We ran around the house praying. It was like half a month and mom hadn't come back yet. One day dad explained to us what the doctor had said to him. "Well guys, mom's heart is sort of...kinda...leaking. There's also something wrong with her lungs too. Guys, I just want you to be praying even more, because the doctors told me something...mom might even die. In fact, not even might. They said...will." The other half of the month passed by. Mom was still pretty unconscious. It was horrible!We spent another month without a mom. You wouldn't want to be me. Now I know how orphans feel. Sad. Lonely. Two more weeks past by while I was going to school with my neighbor, coming home without the usual "Hello" mom would give me, and baby saying, "Mommy?" But amazingly, we got word mom was walking! Hooray! We put up banners, made cards and even visited mom in the hospital. It was the third time mom got to hold her last baby in two months. Forty-eight days. Dad came home from the hospital that night. And mom was with him. From then on, you know, usually it's calm, but then totally opposite!

An exercise in memory part V

1989 we moved to Punta Arenas, Chile. This was by far my favorite location, although I loved each place we lived for the stage of life I was going through at the time. Punta Arenas and all the surrounding area is beautiful, and there is so much to do if you are a person who enjoys nature.
I remember our first day of school there. They had all of our middle names listed first on the roll at school so the kids thought Jason (Thomas) was black, Jeffrey (Shane) was oriental, I (Kristin) was from Europe, and Joel (Phillip) was a toss up between American or French! We all took to school quickly and I believe I can speak for all of us and say we all had a pretty good experience.
Our house was neat. Once again we were all blessed to have our own room, and I think Jeff even got a space to himself in the basement for a music room of sorts. He and Jason got a pattern to a puppet and proceeded to make several versions of this pattern each. Dad helped them build a puppet stand and this became a regular part of our Sunday School mornings.
We served in all three of the pastorless Baptist churches. They were in three very different locations of town, so we would rotate. Eventually Dad would guide them through joining and becoming one church, we began by meeting on Sunday evenings in one of the fire stations in town. I remember going early to se up the chairs (just so), but not until we had swept up all of the many cigarette butts and ashes.
I loved that God always seemed to locate us very strategically so we could be helpful to mom. We lived two blocks away from a bakery and a physical therapy office (which began working with Jonathan from the time he was just a few months old.) We lived just around the corner from a quiosco (a small, general store type place that worked for small errands.) Two or three blocks in the other direction was a fruit and vegetable store. So we kids, even the young ones, were able to experience tremendous feeling of freedom and safety as we were allowed to roam to these places and help mom out.
I loved our many weekend trips to the beach to go beachcombing and our trips to see the penguins. I remember it was always so windy on these trips it was a challenge to stand upright and breathe. All the trees in the whole area of this region grow sideways as a result of these strong winds. We went to a fort where the first settlers of this region lived. But one of my favorite places was Torres del Paine; a national park where we often went camping. This park had many, many lakes and not a single lake was the same color; and each one was a shade of blue you never knew existed in real life, outside of doctored picture. One of these trips was just Dad, Jeff, Joel and me. Dad had terrible hay fever and spent the whole weekend sneezing and when we played a game of cards in the tent, he placed a handkerchief on his lap and would periodically ‘milk’ his nose. On our way home we stopped at a river to fish one last time. Dad had bought a special lure he was told always worked. And sure enough, he got a bite on his first cast! It was a huge fish. He reeled it in and we saw it right there in the water as we waited for someone to go get the net. But as we were waiting it snapped the line. So we had to try again. As we fished we saw the first fish periodically jump out of the water trying to shake the lure free of its mouth. When we decided to quit and were loading into the car, we looked up, and right there, not even 15 feet away, was a fox crossing the road…with a duck hanging from its mouth!! It was so cool!
I have so many wonderful memories in Pta, Arenas I cannot possibly tell them all. But I remember it as being a special time of family because no one else was around. I remember many good things and some rather awkward things. I had a cast on both feet there (not at the same time) Jeff had a back brace. I got some of the worst haircuts of my life…no, I got THE worst hair cut of my life there…and I think mom did too. I became a ‘young lady’ in Pta. Arenas—awkward. I straightened my hair once there with a perm. Joel would have a tough time with school till they would finally realize he was dyslexic. But I also remember that everyone in town, it seemed, knew Joel; he was a social butterfly. Jonathan was absolutely adorable these years. Jason would graduate and leave home. So many changes, but mostly all for the better and all a huge part of who we all are today.

An exercise in memory part IV

Our first stateside visit was in December of '89. Jonathan was just a couple of months old. I remember Aunt Becky picking us up at the Amarillo airport. She had an ice cream tub full of puppy chow for us to snack on. This would be the first real memories I would have of any of my relatives. My grandparents house in Borger, TX would also become the only thing in my entire life never to have changed. This first trip would last four months (while we were out of school) and would involve lots of visiting, shopping for our crate and eating out. My grandparents owned a Christian bookstore that was part of their home. I loved looking around in it. And they had an intercom to the house and I thought that was so cool.
Some of my favorite thins on this trip? Going swimming at the college, eating at Mr. Gatti’s Pizza Buffet, going roller skating, and playing dress up in MaMa’s old dresses and high heels with my cousin Amy. We would play for hours on the back patio, pretending that we were flight attendants and that the pilots of the plane where our boyfriends. We would go to the park and watch our brothers do tricks on the swings. Someone loaned us a brown suburban. We would load up and drive to Amarillo to go shopping. Amy and I liked to ride in the back facing backwards. I was amazed by WalMart and Toys R Us.
Going to church and visiting the school was a little intimidating for me. I felt out of my element and uncomfortable with my grasp of the English language.
We would also go to DFW area and visit my Mema and then my Papa Bill. I had no previous memories of them before Chile. Joel and I would ride in the back. We would sit facing each other with the side windows to our backs. We would pretend that everything we saw out of the window in front of us was ours. This would entertain us for hours. We would have to take turns listening to each others music, and for some reason my music seemed to annoy the boys (mostly Amy Grant and Sandy Patti.) These trips were fun and in a way a whole lot slower paced than the Dietz side of the family. And on this side, I had two girl cousins, Anna and Abigail, and my brothers had no boy cousins! Yay for me! Mema lived in a cute little house in Arlington and Papa in a mobile home in Irving. He had trains and bar stools that swiveled.
This trip was a fun one. Just long enough. By the time we would head back I believe we were all ready for some routine again. Only we would be moving back to a new city: Punta Arenas, Chile located on the tip of the southern cone.

An exercise in memory part III

August 16th, 1985 (my Parents 16th wedding anniversary) we arrived in Chile. We would begin a stint in Temuco, Chile that would last till December 1988. I will only address memories in this time frame in this blog. I was 5 years old when we arrived, and it is at this point that my memories begin to take on more flesh to them. I will not bore you with every single memory I have of this time, but I will highlight a few. I would like to say, that despite the usual sibling arguments,I had a very happy childhood. I am keenly aware that I was privileged to experience so many things that other children my age were never exposed to.
When we first arrived at Temuco, we stayed in an apartment located on the bottom floor of a school building. The ‘Colegio Bautista’ was a very large school that would hold many memories for me in the years to come. Not only did I go there for K-3rd; but this was the location where all the missionaries would meet for one out of the two annual meetings, so it had a feeling of a family camp ground to me.
The fun thing here is that when classes let out, my brothers and I could go anywhere on this enormous campus. To the play ground, the covered gym like patio, or the many cool places where we could hide in a game of hide and seek.
After this short stint we moved into a rental house for a while. We called it the ‘Prieto house’ (that was the name of the street.) My first and worst memory here was that we had not gotten our crate yet. We had no window coverings. My parents but newspapers on the windows; one of the pages in my room was a front page picture of a boy, about my age, who had been bitten by a brown recluse. It was the stuff of nightmares. I don’t know why I didn’t tell them it was there, I’m sure they would have changed it.
This was also the house we were living in when we bought our TV. I guess it had been a while since we had had one, because I came home from spending the night with some other MKs (missionary kids) and was shocked and so very excited! I told the rest of my family to keep it quiet and not to tell my brother Jeff (who had also spent the night but hadn’t made it home yet) anything. I suggested we see how long it took him to notice the TV. Everyone agreed. So, of course, the minute I heard the gate…I ran outside screaming at the top of my lungs that we had gotten a TV!!
This was also the year that I began to notice some things. I knew my family believed in God. I believed in God. I believed in Jesus. But I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I were to die, my Parents would go to heaven, and I would go to hell. I was aware of the fact that their life was theirs and that mine was mine. I was solely responsible for my life alone. I was petrified. I remember asking my mom every night before I would go to bed if she thought I might die that night. I was very worried. Finally one night she asked me if I wanted to talk to my dad about this fear. I said YES. Well, he was in the tub, but I would not wait, I had business to take care of! We talked and I understood my need to personally acknowledge to God my short fall; to recognize the work that Jesus had done on my behalf; and I had to personally accept that free gift and then willingly surrender my lie to Him as Lord and Savior of my life. I was so relieved! This was October 5th, 1985.
We would then move into what is still my favorite house ever! The ‘Massmann house’; it was amazing! It was an old country style home. It was very large and we each got our own room. The yard surrounded the whole house and in the back there was a little ‘hill’ that was fun to roll down. This house was on a dead-end street and it had a guard’s station so I was allowed to freely roam the street. It was here I learned to ride my bike; an activity that I would love to do for years to follow. I would ride up and down the street while pretending to be a news journalist.
One year we had a hurricane type storm although we were inland. The winds were unbelievable. Well, because our whole yard was fenced in by a 6 foot rod iron fence, my parents let us go out and play a little. We would go to one end of the yard run a little, jump, and the wind would carry us the rest of the yard! It was a blast. Joel and I would have to run to the inside corner of the house just to breath!
This yard also had a huge pine tree in the front yard. The limbs stretched about ten feet in every direction, but they didn’t actually start until about six feet of the ground. This created a shelter of sorts. It would become a favorite play spot for me.
It was also in this house that my Mother experienced a miscarriage, and then later another pregnancy resulting in my youngest brother, Jonathan. I was almost ten when he was born. He has Downs Syndrome. He has proven to be one of the best things in my live. He has taught me unconditional love, a joy for life and all of its experiences. He has taught me to appreciate the things that come easily to me and to work hard at the things that do not. He is a masterpiece of God and has the ability to teach the world so much about what really matters. I love you, Jonathan!

An Exercise in memory part II

Mom and Dad surrendered to the call to missions. I don’t remember many details of this next phase in my life either. I know we were in Richmond, VA for orientation and I remember one day of preschool lice classes there. I also remember there being a man who could talk like Donald Duck, but that is all. We also went to Costa Rica for a year for language school. My memories there begin to get a little clearer, but not too much. I remember a few days at Little Lights, my preschool. I remember eating rice and beans with every single meal (and I loved it—I still do.) I remember the rain being punctual every day and that you could outrun it or simply cross the street to the dry side. I remember walking to school every day while dad would tell us parts of the Lord of the Rings. I remember getting a new baby doll for my birthday. She had beautiful black STRAIGHT hair. I told mom and dad I would take perfect care of her…a few days later they scolded me for finding her on the floor :(. But by far, one of my absolute favorite memories of all time was Christmas.

We had nothing at all to decorate with. Mom has always made Christmas in our home very beautiful, and very special. We bought a tree and then we bought lots and lots of paper. We made all the ornaments for the tree. We made a fireplace for the wall with a fire and even the silhouette of a black cat off to the side. We hung some of our socks over the ‘fire’. I loved it. It was very special. I must mention, I do not remember it, but Jeff has never let me ‘forget’ the boy I was found hiding behind the couch with kissing.
I seem to remember no one in my family really caring for Costa Rica, but I have no bad memories that have stuck with me from that period of time. And as I have already mentioned, I was and still am very fond of the black beans and rice :).

An exercise in memories part I

True to the name of this blog I have made the conscious decision to be more intentional about remembering. And, of course, that has had me thinking back to some of my earliest memories. I am fortunate enough to have been born into a large (by today’s standards) family. I am one of six siblings (five still living.) I am the only girl. I am the middle child, but I also qualify as a firstborn (in personality) due to being the first and only one of my gender. I do not have any memories of being alone as a child. As a matter of fact, when I hear my children talk about their memories and especially when I hear my husband talk about his memories, I realize just how few memories of have of my very early childhood. I do not know why I did not retain many of these memories; perhaps it was the timing of my families move to a foreign country and all the other things my brain had to deal with, such as learning a new language. Regardless, the memories I do have are like a trailer to a movie. They exist in scenes that are in no particular chronological order, nor are they particularly significant events. They are just what I remember.
I was born in Greeley, CO; but lived in Windsor, CO for the first five years of my life. I remember taking a nap one day with my mom, and waking up in time to pop some popcorn and feed it to the birds as we waited for my older brothers, Jason and Jeff, to get home from school. I remember wanting so badly to play with my big brothers and I remember three of these special occasions. Once I played G.I. Joe with them and some other kids from the neighborhood. I was one of the girl team members and I had been kidnapped and taken to the sandbox (which my dad built me in our back yard.) The other Joel were going to rescue me. I did not realize that I played in my box most of the time just waiting for the ‘rescue’, I was just happy to be a part of the game. Another day I was Jason and Jeff’s detective agency secretary. I would stay in their room, answer the phone and cook them food while they were out solving cases. I am beginning to see a pattern here—I was really gullible. One day I actually got to go to a friend house with my brothers. I believe the boy we were playing with was an only child. I seem to remember he had a lot of toys. But the event that made this day memorable was that he didn’t seem to want to interrupt play time and had an ‘accident’ and I thought that was odd since he was older than me.
Again I do not know why there are the memories my mind has locked away to remember, but they are. I do also remember always choosing ‘Clap Your Hands’ as my pick to sing on the Sunday evenings where we would sing from the hymnal as people picked songs. I loved that song.
I remember going to my Mama and Papa’s with J & J without my mom and dad. Mama painted me up like a clown one day and on another day they took us to the store to pick out any candy we would like. I chose marshmallows and J & J picked packages of bubble gum. They then proceeded to chew multiple pieces at once and blew a bubble so big it got stuck all over their faces.
I do not remember much about these first few years. I do not remember my younger brother Josh at all. This saddens me. He was born when I was almost 3 and died a year later. I wish I had some memory of this. I also do not remember my younger brother Joel being born either. Somehow my memories of him begin when he was about two. He is in most of my memories from then on. I had a love-hate relationship with both Jeff who was 4 years older and Joel who was 3 ½ years younger. My oldest brother Jason has always been (in my memories) the peace keeper with me. He was probably too old (6yrs older) to really do much with me. Yet I do remember his last year at home feeling particularly close to him as he let me tag along with him quite often.
I also have a younger brother, Jonathan. He is awesome, and I will discuss him in a later post since he was born after these memories took place.
I do not remember these years, but I know they were important ones. My family when through a lot these few years. My parents surrendered their lives (and our) to the call to missions. They would embark our family on a truly unparalleled adventure. Now that I am a mother of five myself, I can only begin to appreciate the magnitude of the decision they made. Their belief and commitment to God is something I will always admire and strive to live up to. They were willing to leave all their comforts and family and friends and to take their five children to an unfamiliar country on an unfamiliar continent that spoke an unfamiliar language, to minister whole-heartedly to an unfamiliar culture without any promise of how thing would be for them or for us. Those next 14 years of my life would prove to be some of the best of my life. I thank God for calling our family to missions, and I thank mom and dad for being brave enough to go; and to lead us by example in how to take up your cross daily and follow Christ.

Count Your Blessings

One of my favorite movies to watch this time of year is 'White Christmas.' It is a classic and has so many great musical pieces in it. But one of my favorite songs in that movie is 'Count Your Blessings' ...when you're worried and you count sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep...and you'll fall asleep, counting your blessings. Since I have had children I have struggled any time I wake at night to fall back to sleep. It seems as though my brain enjoys the uninterrupted thoughts it is able to have in a quiet house :). But it makes fr a very tired mommy. I have began adopting the idea this song proposes and praying thanksgiving and even intersession until I fall asleep. I'm not sure if it works faster or if I am just not as frustrated as I lay awake. But the idea is a great on for this time of year. I would like to imagine that I am sitting at the 'Christmas Tree of 2010' where God, my loving Father, has wrapped many planned out and wonderful gifts for me and those in my family. I would love to share a snapshot of those gifts. I will try hard not to forget any, but my Father is very generous, and I may inadvertently forget one.

• The very biggest gift under the tree is my favorite and by far the one that my Father had to sacrifice the most to give me. The description on the outside of the box describes the gift this way: 'But God demonstrates His own love towards (me), in that while (I) was yet a sinner, Christ died for (me)...For while (I) was an enemy, (I)was reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, (I) shall be saved by His life. Romans 5:8&10

My favorite Christmas song of all time puts it this way in the last verse:

On the night before Christmas

Mary laid down to res;

while Joseph, he paced the floor praying.

And in an every day stable,

in an everyday town,

in the hours to come,

God would wrap Himself up;

And come down from heaven and the world would forever be changed;

After the night before Christmas.

~'Night Before Christmas' Steven Curtis Chapman~

• The next gift I opened this year was the gift of a decade spent my wonderful husband Luke. It never ceases to amaze me how much God is able to squeeze into such a short time.
• I was allowed to open a 31 year of life, a gift indeed.
• I got a gift of a very healthy year, for both me and all my family.
• There are few words that could describe the gift of righteous pride I have been given at watching my children blossom into wonderful people, caring of others and growing in their own relationships with my Father.
• My Hannah is becoming more and more creative, as she nurtures her reading and writing interests, and uses the beautiful gift of song God has given her.
• My Noah is an amazingly sweet spirit. He is always concerned about the people around him. He is concerned for their feelings, their needs and their eternal future. He is becoming quite a handsome young man.
• My sweet and funny Abigail experienced the joy of growing and gaining a little more Independence by staring Kindergarten this year and she is flourishing! She is very happy and is a great friend to those around her. She and Hannah have become much closer now that they have school in common and this has been a particular prayer of mine for the past couple of years. I am so blessed in this regard.
• My Lily....she is amazing. She is soooooo smart. She misses NOTHING. She too has grown up so much this year and it is always a joy to be around her (although her high pitched voice can overwhelm you at times, because it never stopped:)
• My Sarah is a bundle of energy. She is funny and is learning to play well with her bigger brother and sisters. There is nothing she does not think she can do. She has an iron will, she is very independent, and she also closed the chapter on diapers for this family for a long long time!
• Luke has completed two very successful semesters in his masters program.
• He gave us a roof over our heads
• a car (two actually) to get around
• food to eat
• clothes to wear
• many laughs throughout the ear
• some tears to put things in perspective and remind us that we still live in a fallen world.
• a WONDERFUL visit with the entire Mike Dietz family in July (first time in who knows how long.)
• an opportunity to see all the living grandparents on both sides of both families.
• the opportunity o welcome a new sister-in-law to the family
• a beautiful new niece and the help she needed with her legs (she has clubbed feet.)
• a new job which is PERFECT for my little brother whom I love so dearly.
• the opportunity to once more participate in Community Bible Study which has meant so much to me.
• a wonderful VBS, community grill, fall festival, and 2 children's programs at church.
• and so many more that I know I am forgetting at this moment.

Thank You, Father, for a wonderful Christmas this 2010. You have been good; So very, very good. I pray that I will be a good steward of Your gifts to me and that when others look at me, they see You and give all the glory to You, the giver of all good and perfect gifts.

October 26th-28th

"and command them saying, 'Take up for yourselves twelve stones from here out of the middle of the Jordan,...carry them over with you, and lay them down in the lodging place where you will lodge tonight...Let this be a sign among you, so that when your children ask later, saying 'what do these stones mean to you?'...So these stones shall become a memorial to the sons of Israel forever." Joshua 4:3, 6 &7

God has done many things in my life for which I feel I need 'stones' to remember. But by far the most powerful of these happened two years ago this week. And for this event, God even provided me the 'stone'

On Sunday, October 26th, at 8:38 am God gave Luke and me a precious, healthy 9Ib, 20 1/2 inches long bundle of sweet baby -Sarah Michal Panter. Her mother could not have been happier that she was finally here, and therefor the daddy could not have been more relieved. They had threatened to cancel my induction, and when Luke saw that I was close to loosing my sanity he debated with the nurses till the snuck me in and proceeded to induce. On Monday, seeing all was well, we were both allowed to go home. On Tuesday, My oldest two went to school, excited about their newest addition, my dear friends picked up Lily and Abigail and took them to bible study, and with Luke in school as well, Sarah and I had some 4 hours to bond and rest. My oldest got home from school around 3:45, Luke followed (along with my mother) around 4:30pm. About 15-20 minutes later, the minute Luke walked out of the door to run some errands, I was sitting on ,my bed holding the just-fed, and happy Sarah. In an instant everything changed, and something was VERY wrong. We would later find out that I had had a ruptured aneurysm in my right Illiac artery.

For the next 44 days God would proceed to show His power in undeniable, and miraculous ways.

It has only been two years, and I still think of those events almost daily. They rocked my world in a very unexpectedly good way. I am so grateful to God for the 728 days He has given me since. For every single smile, laugh, hug, triumph He has allowed me to be a part of in the lives of my children. I am so grateful for every tear I have had the privilege to kiss away. I am so grateful for the husband God has blessed me with, who went through an unimaginable ordeal, and did so with such integrity and faith and hope. I am so grateful for a mother who prayed over me as I lay barely conscious moments after the rupture, who loved and cared for the precious new life, and comforted the four other scared and confused lives that mean so much to me. I am so grateful for ALL the family and friends God impressed to be heroes for me and for my family.

It is such an honor to have lived this miracle. And I pray that Luke and I and our children will know how to be the best possible stewards of this miraculous story. October 26th-28th will always be stones to our family. We will never forget!

Happy birthday my sweet Sarah, Happy Anniversary to you and to me!!! Glory to God today and forever!!!!!

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil.1:21

Please consider listening to this song! I want to REMEMBER this every moment of every day!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Van2daajLvg

My Father

Becoming a mother has opened my eyes to a whole new level of God's love for me. I understand so much more of who He is, if only on a small and imperfect scale. But last night I was reminded of something about my heavenly Father that I cannot replicate, and that brought me comfort.
As I have said many times, my nights are VERY seldom uninterrupted. My children have bad dreams quite often, and I always pray with them and usually walk them back to bed; and that usually does the trick. Sometimes, if they persist, I will let them move to a couch in the living room and that works. But last night, Lily would not quit. I went in and sat with her and we talked (at 3am) for about thirty minutes and I finally had her calmed down and went to bed very tired. When I laid my head down the thought struck me...'I am so glad my Father does not sleep. or need sleep. He is never too tired to talk!'
I am so glad for this experience of motherhood and how much closer it has brought me to God, but I am also glad for the knowledge that my Father is SO MUCH bigger and better than I am!!!

'I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will never slumber or sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your coming out and your coming in from this time forth and forever. Psalm 121